I Should Tell You
by Through-the-Smoke
Summary: Syed's wedding is here, and Christian can't stand it. But will everything go as it's supposed to? Chryed.
1. Chapter 1

Syed knocked gently on the flat door, smiling hopefully when it was opened by a half-dressed Christian.

"Hi." he said, pushing his way gently past his lover and into the flat. He turned around. "I hoped I might have seen you on Christmas day."

"I was busy." Christian said shortly, unsmiling. "Spent the day with Ian and Jane and the kids."

"Oh right." Syed frowned anxiously. It occurred to him that the older man was being more stand-offish than normal. "Christian are you ok?"

"Fine. Fantastic. Bloody marvellous in fact."

Syed sighed. "What's up?"

Christian scowled at him. "You're getting married in four days, or had you forgotten?"

Syed raised his eyebrows and collapsed onto the sofa. "Forgotten? You must be joking! With the amount I've still got left to do? You have no idea how maddening it is having mum and Amira constantly nagging me to do this that and the other."

"Poor you." Christian stalked into the bedroom and emerged pulling a pale blue shirt over his head.

"I'm telling you, I'll be happy when this wedding's over, I never knew they were so much work! I feel sorry for Tam really, you know what mum's like, never happy unless she's organising something. As soon as she's done with my wedding she'll be trying to set him up with every pretty Muslim girl she sees-"

"I don't want you to come here anymore."

"-and the poor boy's shy enough without her meddling and embarrassing…wait, what?"

"You heard." Christian gazed at him coldly.

"But…" Syed stood up, completely confused. "Why?"

"Sy, you're getting married in _four days_. It's just hit me."

"So?"

"I can't do this anymore. I'm in my thirties. I'm too old to be someone's dirty little secret."

"I've told you before, you're not."

"But I am though, aren't I? What happens when Amira decides she doesn't want to live in Walford and demands you move elsewhere. What, am I supposed to up and follow you wherever you go? Or meet up at weekends in cheap hotels whilst you tell wifey you're going fishing with mates from uni?" he sneered.

"Christian-"

"And what about when you have kids, eh?"

Syed cupped Christian's face in his hands, feeling the slight scratch of stubble as he ran his thumb gently across his cheek. "Christian, I don't want this to end."

He removed Syed's hands and took a step backwards. "Sy, it hurts me whenever I see the two of you together. It _physically_ hurts me. I can't sit and watch you promise her forever, I just can't. I need to find someone who's not afraid to be with me."

"Christian it's not just about Amira. If it was just a choice between you and her I'd pick you! But I've got to think about my family. About mum…"

"That doesn't change how I feel." he headed towards the door. "Can you get your things out of my bathroom please? I'll be gone about half an hour…" he swallowed. "Please don't be here anymore when I get back."

"Christian please don't do this."

"Give me a reason not to." he turned around, hand on the door handle. "Please?"

"I love you."

Christian closed his eyes as if in pain. When he opened them again, they were shining with tears. "You know that's the first time you've said that to me?"

"I mean it. Christian…" he reached out a hand to the older man, but he stepped back, pulling open the door.

"Sy…it's just not enough." he sniffed and blinked rapidly. "I'll be half an hour. Please Syed. Just go."

He closed the door behind him. Syed stood there for several seconds, not moving. Then he collapsed down onto the sofa and the tears he'd been fighting back started to fall.


	2. Chapter 2

Syed sat alone at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee. Christian hadn't shown up to work that day, and Syed felt awful. He'd wanted to speak to him about last night. And worse than that…not being around Christian hurt him more than he thought was possible. But what else could he do?

"I can't believe this has happened!"

Syed looked up as Amira stormed into the kitchen, her eyes flashing dangerously. She glared at him, and Syed felt the familiar flash of panic in his stomach. Had she seen something? Did she know?

"W-what's happened?"

"Christian!"

Syed's eyes widened. "Look, Amira, it's not-"

"He's only gone and backed out of being our wedding planner! _Three days_ before the big event! Does he not realise I've got enough on my plate without having to take on his jobs as well?!"

Syed blinked up at her. "He's backed out? Why?"

Amira flapped her hand dismissively. "Oh, he says he's ill, but he sounded fine. I think he's got a bloke holed up in his flat."

Syed sat forward. "Why would you think that? Did he say anything? Did you hear someone in the flat?!"

Amira shrugged. "No, but…it's Christian isn't it? 'Course it's about a bloke." she smiled at Syed with doe-eyes. "Babe…"

"What?" Syed asked suspiciously. Amira crouched down next to him and looked up at him through her eyelashes.

"Could you go and talk to him? Find out what's going on?"

"No! I mean…I don't think he'd want me going round."

"Why? Have you two had a fight or something?"

Syed looked away from her. "No, we just…I mean, if he's got a bloke he's not gonna want me turning up is he? And if he really is ill, I don't want to risk getting sick for the wedding."

"I suppose so." she sighed and stood up. "When you next see your mum can you get her to call me? Everything about this wedding is so damn complicated now!" she turned and walked put of the kitchen, and Syed heard the front door slam shut.

"You're telling me." he murmured, burying his face in his hands.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Christian sat alone in his flat, head resting on his hands. It had gotten dark about an hour ago, but he couldn't muster up the strength to bother getting up and turning on the light. He knew it was childish, avoiding everyone like this. But the whole square seemed to be running around planning Syed's wedding, and Christian was sick of any mention of the impending nuptials. He glanced at the phone when it rang, but made no move to answer it. He knew who was calling him. He listened as the answering machine cut in, telling whoever it was to leave a message.

"_Christian? It's me…again. Please answer the phone? I know you're home. Amira told me what you've done, not being the wedding planner anymore. She's practically spitting fire over it! Anyway, listen…about last night…we need to talk more about this. Please? I…" _Syed's voice quietened and Christian wondered where he was calling from that he might risk being overheard, _"…I told you I love you. You can't just stop seeing me, Christian, don't you think people are going to notice? Look…just call me back when you hear this. Please."_

Christian rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. He wasn't sure he was strong enough to do this. He'd always told himself he wasn't a home-wrecker. When he'd slept with married men in the past it had always been a one night stand, a way to boost his ego. But Syed…for the first time in a very long time Christian wanted a future with someone. He wanted the clichéd couply nights in, he wanted to be able to walk hand-in-hand, he wanted to show people that he was in love, instead of having to have Roxy keep asking him 'when he was gonna get a fit bloke round so she could perv on him?'. And why not? He'd been kidding himself, somehow imagining everything would work out, but it wouldn't. Syed was never going to 'come out', and maybe that would have been enough for Christian a few yeas ago, but now he wanted more. And why shouldn't he get more? What was stopping him going out now and picking up some fabulously good looking guy in a bar somewhere?

If only the thought of being with someone other than Syed didn't make Christian feel physically sick.

**

* * *

**

2 days later

Christian groaned when the buzzer on the door went. He looked nervously over at the reciever. He hadn't left his flat in days other than to buy food, and even then he hadn't spoken to anyone unless he had to.

He deliberately hadn't gone anywhere he thought he might see Syed.

It buzzed again and Christian realised whoever it was wasn't going to go away. With a sigh, he got up and walked over.

"What?…oh. Jane. No, I wasn't expecting anyone else. Come on up."

After a few moments Jane was walking through the front door. She gave him a quick hug.

"Are you ok? You've been holed up in here for days, Ian said you weren't well."

"I'm fine. Probably just a cold, you know what I'm like! Have to make a drama out of everything."

"You look terrible."

"Thanks, I love you too."

Jane slapped him lightly on the arm. "Seriously, Christian, are you ok?"

"I'll be fine. Honestly. Do you want some tea or anything?"

"No, I can't stay, just wanted to see how you are." she smiled and reached into her bag for something. "By the way, how are you getting to the wedding? I was thinking we could share a car?"

"I'm not going."

Jane looked up. "What? Why not?"

"Somehow I don't think I'd be welcome."

"Oh Christian, don't be stupid. Syed'll want you there."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"Have you two had a row or something? Look, he's probably just nervous about the wedding. And besides, Ian's not coming, you can't leave me alone with Zainab."

"Sorry sis."

Jane's eyes narrowed. "Christian I don't know what's going on, but you are coming to this wedding."

"Jane…"

"No excuses. If you're not there tomorrow I will be seriously pissed, and believe me you do not want to be on my bad side right now."

Christian just looked at her. After a few moments she shook her head and walked out of the flat, closing the door behind her.

Christian sat back down on the sofa. Jane would get over it. Of course she would. All he'd need to do would be to start complaining about Ian and it would take her mind right off it…

He was interrupted by a frantic knocking on the door. He stood up with a smile.

"Forget something did you? I swear you'd forget your…oh." he'd flung open the door, only instead of his sister, Syed stood there.

"Hi." he said awkwardly.

"What're you doing here?"

"I haven't seen you in three days. I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Well I'm fine. See? You can go." Christian refused to meet Syed's gaze, knowing that as soon as he looked into those deep brown eyes he'd be lost.

"You don't look fine." Syed reached out a hand to touch Christian's face, but the older man flinched back.

"I told you not to come here again."

"I had to see you."

"Why?" Christian snapped. He made no move to let the younger man into the flat. "Why did you have to see me?"

"I want-"

"You don't know what you want." Christian interrupted.

"I want _you_." Syed cupped Christian's face in his hands, forcing him to look at him. "I want _you_." he repeated softly, before pressing his lips to Christian's. The older man melted against him, pulling him into the flat and closing the door behind him.

"Oh, Sy." Christian mumbled against Syed's mouth. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Christian deepened the kiss, pulling Syed's shirt over his head and placing a hand on his chest, feeling his lover's heartbeat. Syed moaned against him.

"I love you. Once this wedding's over we'll make this work, you'll see."

Christian froze. He pushed Syed away from him. "You're still getting married?"

Syed frowned. "Well…yeah. Of course."

Christian backed away and started pacing angrily. "You can't do this to me, Syed."

"Do what?" Syed picked his shirt off the floor and pulled it back over his head.

"You can't have it all. You can't marry your princess and keep your parents happy and then have me in the background. It's one or the other."

Syed swallowed nervously. "Christian…"

"Me or them?"

"I…can't answer that."

Christian's face darkened. "You just did."

Syed opened his mouth to respond, but one look at Christian's face told him it would be pointless. He went and pulled open the front door, walking out into the corridor.

"Oh, and Sy?" he turned. "Just for the record I would never actually make you choose between your family and me. I'd have thought you knew that."

**

* * *

**

Next chapter's gonna be the wedding! I have no idea what a Muslim wedding is like because I've never been to one, so please forgive me if it's rubbish! Also if anyone can give me any help with info about that, can they PM me?


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry it's taken so long to update! I decided not to go into any detail with regards to the wedding, I had some help from ChryedLover but I still wasn't sure it sounded right so I gave up...**

**A/N: I didn't actually watch Eastenders when Shabnam was in it, so I have no idea about her character. I really hope she isn't completely different to how I've written her!**

* * *

Syed brushed his hands down his front again nervously, inspecting himself in the mirror. He looked perfect. Just how he'd always imagined he'd look on his wedding day. But he couldn't bring himself to feel pleased at the image - his stomach was churning too much. He knew it was normal to get cold feet before a wedding, but this was more than that. He was actually _dreading _it.

"Alright?" Came a voice from behind him as a figure stepped into the room.

Syed turned with a grin. "Shabnam!"

"Hey!" she grinned back and gave him a hug. "Amira's not angry I missed her do last night is she?"

"Nah. Said she couldn't wait to see you."

Shabnam stood back and looked her brother up and down. "Look at you all dressed up."

Syed shrugged, smiling. "Thought I'd make an effort, you know."

"Amira's a lucky girl."

Syed's smile faltered and he turned quickly back to the mirror. "Hmm."

Shabnam considered him for a few seconds. "Makes you think, though. Weddings."

"Think about what?"

"Old friends. What they're doing with their lives, whether they're married yet."

"I suppose."

"Like Danny. You remember, your friend from uni."

Syed froze for a split second. "Yeah, I remember. What about him?"

"Do you think he's married, Syed?" there was something in her tone that was making Syed uneasy.

"How would I know?"

"I saw you."

Syed turned back to his sister, confused. "You're gonna need to be a little more specific, Shab."

She glared at him. "Second year of uni, mid November, your tongue, his throat, ringing any bells?"

Syed looked back at the mirror. "I…I don't know what you're talking about."

"I took the train down to surprise you, and I saw you and Danny looking pretty damn friendly."

"You must be mistaken."

"I know what I saw. Do you know what I saw? Just exactly how graphic do you want me to get here, Syed?"

Syed span round. "Look, it was a joke, ok? A drunken bet."

"You've never been drunk in your life."

"He was drunk, I was just…" he trailed off desperately. Shabnam sighed.

"Look, Syed…I'm not gonna pretend I was happy about it, but come on. I'm not mum; I'm probably the last person who can lecture you about being a 'bad' Muslim."

"I'm not a bad Muslim." Syed snapped.

"I'm not saying you are." Shabnam sighed. "I'm just saying you don't have to pretend with me."

"I'm not pretending." Syed insisted. "I love Amira."

Shabnam nodded, and then the grin was back on her face. "Well, I'd better go and find mum, she'll kill me if I'm not being useful!"

With that she left, leaving Syed alone. He turned back to the mirror, smoothing his hands over the front of his outfit once more.

**XXXXXXXX**

Christian gazed up at the reception hall, his mouth dry. He didn't know why he was here. All he knew was that when he'd woken up this morning, he'd felt like he had to come.

And even the sight of the building was breaking his heart. To know that inside the man he loved was about to marry someone else, was possibly already going through with the ceremony (he was late, after all), was more than he could bear.

He couldn't let it happen. He couldn't let Syed go through with this, not without making one final fight for him. He wasn't going to go in there and start yelling "it should be me" - he wanted to do this quietly in case he got rejected - but Syed had to know just how much he meant to Christian. Because at the end of the day, that was all he wanted. Nothing else mattered as long as he had Syed.

**XXXXXXXX**

An usher showed him up to where the wedding was taking place. Christian thanked him and turned to face the double doors. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. He had no idea how he was going to stop the wedding, but he knew that quite possibly his only chance at being happy was on the other side of these doors and if he didn't go for it he'd never forgive himself. He pushed the door open and slipped inside, his eyes instantly drawn to the front of the room.

The imam was talking but Christian could barely even hear him. Syed and Amira were smiling at each other, seemingly at some sort of private joke, and they both looked so happy. So full of joy.

As if sensing he was being watched, Syed glanced over at him and froze. His eyes widened as if in fear and he looked almost pleading. Christian blinked back tears as he offered Syed a small smile and sat down.

"You came!" Jane whispered delightedly in his ear. Then she noticed he was crying. "Christian? What's wrong?"

"Oh, you know me. Always cry at weddings." he tuned everything out and gazed down at his shoes, willing himself to hold it together, to not break down. He felt Jane's concerned gaze on him and straightened up, letting the imam's voice filter through him.

**XXXXXXXX**

"…do you consent to marry this man?"

Amira smiled, looking at Syed. "Yes."

Zainab smiled proudly. The imam turned to Syed.

"And do you, Syed, consent to marry this woman?"

Syed stared at him for several long seconds, then glanced over to where Christian was sat. The older man was looking resolutely at the floor. He let out a shaky breath. "No." he said softly.

There was a moment of silence that seemed to stretch on forever as everyone slowly realised what they'd just heard. Christian's head shot up to meet Syed's eyes.

"Syed?" Amira sounded so lost and hurt that Syed thought his heart might break for her.

"I'm sorry." he said, turning to face her. "I'm sorry, I can't do this to you."

He got up and practically ran for the door. The hall burst out in a cacophony of voices as everyone tried to work out what was happening.

"Syed!" Amira called desperately after him. She made to stand up but Zainab put out a hand to stop her.

"Wait here." She hurried after her son.

Christian sat blinking for a few seconds, then got up and hurried after them. Footsteps behind him told him Jane had got up as well. He got outside at the same time as Zainab, to see Syed just stood in the street gazing up at the sky.

"Syed!" Zainab strode forwards. Syed looked down, his expression terrified.

"Mum…"

"Syed what are you playing at?!"

"What should I do?"

"You should go back inside and stop being so-"

"Do you think I should marry Amira?"

Christian's stomach jolted when he realised Syed was staring directly at him. He shook his head a fraction.

"Of course I do-" Zainab began, but Syed stopped her.

"Not you." He looked back at Christian. "Well?"

Christian looked furious and strangely defeated. He stared at Syed for a long moment.

"For God's sake, Christian." Zainab snapped. "Will you just say 'yes' so we can go back inside and stop this silly charade?"

"Christian?" Jane looked confused, her gaze fixed on her brother's face.

Christian only had eyes for Syed. Why was he making him do this? In front of _Zainab_?! He knew perfectly well what his answer should be. He should tell Syed to go back into the mosque and marry the girl waiting for him. He should do what he knew was best for Syed…

"You know what I think."

"I want you to say it."

Christian swallowed hard. "No. I don't."

Syed nodded, his face curiously blank. Then he turned and ran, ignoring Zainab's shouts to come back. She turned on Christian.

"I'll deal with you later." she hissed, hurrying back into the mosque, no doubt to reassure Amira. Christian turned to go back in as well, but stopped when he felt Jane's hand on his arm.

"What the hell was that?" She demanded.

"It doesn't matter."

"It bloody well does! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on!"

Christian wrenched his arm away angrily. "Will you just leave it?! For once in your life just _butt out_!"

**XXXXXXXX**

Christian sat slumped against the wall gazing up at the sky. Zainab had refused to let any of the guests leave, but she'd already sent Masood off to check if Syed had gone home or was at the unit. He hadn't been.

He'd had to get out of there. Everyone was confused and had kept asking him what was going on, he hadn't known what to tell them, not to mention the fact that Zainab kept shooting him filthy looks, as did some of the other people he'd seen her talking to. And he was sure that if he'd had to spend another minute listening to Amira's sobbing he'd have gone mad with guilt so he'd come outside. He looked down to where he was cradling his mobile phone in his hands. He needed Syed, and he could only think of one place he might be. Fingers shaking slightly, he dialled the number of his own flat. It rang on, before cutting to voicemail. Christian sighed.

"Sy? It's me. I don't even know if you're there, but you're not answering your mobile and I know you haven't gone home…look, if you're there can you pick up the phone?" he sighed. "Sy I need you here. Everyone's freaking out, and I don't know what to tell them…I don't know what you _want_ me to tell them, but at the moment I'm looking like the world's biggest bunny boiler. Please just…Jane!" he hung up quickly and stood up as Jane wondered out. "What's going on?"

"That's what I'd like to know."

"I'm sorry?"

"I may not be the most intelligent woman there is but I like to think I'm not stupid. And Syed asking you if you think he should marry his girlfriend is not a normal thing to ask your mates."

"What do you want me to say, Jane?" Christian asked wearily.

"I want you to tell me what's going on with you two." Christian remained silent. Jane gasped. "Oh, God, Christian, tell me you haven't…what the hell did you do?"

"I can't." Christian muttered. "I'm sorry."

They stood in silence for several minutes, before Jane turned to him again. "You always want what you can't have, don't you?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh Christian…" she put her arm around him. "It's ok; you just need to accept that…"

She looked round as Zainab and Masood stepped outside.

"Any sign of him?"

"Afraid not."

"I think we should call the police." Zainab announced.

"The police?" Masood looked dubious. "What're they going to do?"

"Well I don't know!" she snapped. "But he's missing isn't he? Come on, Masood, get your phone out!"

"There's no need." Came a voice from behind them. They all looked round to see Syed stood behind them. He locked eyes with Christian. "I'm here."


	4. Chapter 4

"I got your message." Syed told Christian. His face was impassive, and Christian smiled nervously. Syed didn't smile back.

"Where the hell have you been?!" Zainab demanded. Syed's eyes snapped to hers and he looked nervous, as though he only just realised she was still there.

"I went for a walk. Needed to clear my head."

"Whilst we were here worried sick, with poor Amira sobbing her heart out?"

Syed shifted uncomfortably. "I'm sorry."

"It's her _wedding day_ Syed. You could have waited until after the ceremony to 'clear you head'."

"I couldn't, mum, there are things you don't understand…things I needed to get _straight_." he let out a breath. "But I'm ok now."

"Well…good!" Zainab snapped, exchanging a confused glance with Masood. "Give me five minutes, I'll go and tell Amira you're back, and then we can continue the-"

"No, mum." Syed said quietly.

Christian blinked, staring at Syed in disbelief. From his attitude over the past few minutes, and the way he was talking, he'd been certain his young lover had been planning to go ahead with the ceremony. Syed met his gaze and his face finally relaxed into a smile.

"_No_?!" Zainab sounded dangerous. She stepped towards Syed, who actually took a nervous step backwards. "What do you mean, 'no'?!"

"I can't marry Amira." Syed swallowed nervously. "I've…been seeing someone else."

Zainab let out a small choking sound. "_What_?!"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry. You're _sorry_?! Who is she?"

"Mum…"

"Who is she? Who is this girl that's so special that you betray your family and your religion? Hmm?"

"Maybe we should go somewhere, sit down?" Syed pleaded.

"Think about Amira. Do you love her?"

"Yes, but…"

"There you go then, stop being so stupid and get back in there."

"Mum please just listen to me-"

"You love Amira, yes?"

"It's not the same-"

"How is it not the same? Hmm? You love her, you promised yourself to her, this other hussy can just-"

"It's not the same because I'm gay!"

There was a stunned silence. "What?" Zainab croaked eventually.

"I'm gay, mum. I've been seeing a man."

"No." Zainab shook her head. "No. You're not."

"I am…it's taken me a long time to realise it, but-"

"Don't be so stupid Syed. Of course you're not gay. You're _Muslim_!"

"I can't change who I am, mum." Syed looked over at Christian. "I know that now." he looked back at his mother. "Please say something."

Zainab waved her hand impatiently at him. She looked deep in thought. Eventually she looked up, a determined look on her face. Her eyes seemed strangely out of focus.

"We can sort this out."

Syed frowned. "Sort what out?"

"You go back in there and marry Amira like you promised. And then we can find you a good imam or a doctor-"

"Mum, I'm not sick!"

"Of course you are." Zainab snapped. "You think it is natural? It's this country, that's what it is. Maybe you should go back to Pakistan with your sister."

I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here." he glanced nervously at Christian and took a deep breath. "I'm staying here…with Christian."

Zainab looked like she'd been slapped. "You?!"

Christian raised his hands in surrender. "Zainab, look…"

"You…you _corrupted_ my son. I knew it would be a bad idea letting someone like you work for us…"

"_Someone like me_?!"

"Yes! A sick, perverted-"

"Leave him alone!" Syed stepped forwards, eyes flashing. "It's got nothing to do with him, I was gay _long_ before I came to Walford!"

Zainab froze. Several silent tears rolled down her face. "No."

"I'm so sorry, mum." Syed tried to touch her arm but she pulled it away. "I tried not to be, I really did. I thought I could marry Amira and all these _feelings_ would go away and I could be a son to be proud of. I really tried. But then I met Christian and I fell in love…"

"You fell in _love_?!" Zainab looked pale, like she was about to faint.

"I love him, mum."

"How long has it been going on? You and…_him_?"

"It doesn't matter."

She looked up at him, her face stained with tears. "Of course it does. _How. Long_?"

Syed hung his head. "Six months. Give or take."

Something in Zainab's eyes seemed to break. "Six…?" She leant against her husband for support. "I can't do this. Take me home."

"Mum!" Syed stepped forward, pleading, tears in his eyes. Zainab flinched back. She looked totally crushed.

"Don't…don't call me that. You are not my son."

Syed watched as Masood led her towards the car, casting a confused glance back at his son. Christian stepped forwards, uncertain whether he should comfort Syed or not, but as soon as he lightly touched the other man's shoulder he turned and fell into Christian's arms, clutching his shirt and sobbing.

"It's ok." Christian soothed, knowing that nothing could be further from the truth. "It's going to be ok."

He cast a helpless glance at Jane, who nodded, her face almost expresionless, her eyes tight, and headed back inside. What she was going to tell everyone Christian had no idea, but he knew the last thing Syed needed was to face Amira. Silently he headed towards the nearest taxi rank, Syed still clinging to him like a baby monkey, headed back home.

He may have got what he wanted, but he knew this was far from over.


End file.
